Jesus I'm exhausted...what an insane past few days. My head feels twice as heavy and my heart triple that amount (this semi-emo moment brought to you courtesy of <insert appropriate emo band song> ). But seriously...there's no rest for me now. I just tackled two midterms, with my final one fast approaching at Halloween. It's a 10 page research paper, and with me back on track as far as SNL is concerned, well...wish me luck in hoping that I can get it done on time, and more importantly done well.

Outside of SNL my life hasn't been that eventful...these days I'm mostly concerned with what my future has in store upon my graduation from NYU in May next year. I have goals and motivations but not too much action happening on my part. I'm not certain about many things in my life now. I'm still a nostalgic fool, a hopeless romantic and dreamer the likes of which would truly bewilder any rational thinking human being. That's the best way I can put it into words right now.

Confidence has never strong on my part...and lately (especially after being in contact with SNL's talented cast and crew) I've been wondering if I'm capable of anything comparatively creative. I am inspired by so much and yet it never seems to show. Some might say I'm holding back...but what if I'm not? What if I'm not as smart/talented/creative as I think I am? Reality has that bad habit of smacking your right dead in your face (I've been subject to that time and time again in my life). Maybe I'm so used to it I can't imagine there being any other alternative for me. Nobody knows the things I really am subject to sometimes, nor the inexplicable thoughts that keep me awake for hours in the early morning. And yet I'm still here - alive. I don't fear death (though I do hope it avoids me for a good while) but I can't help but thinking sometimes...what's this all for? Why the hell was I born? What goddamn stupid reason do I have to validate my existence?

Hopefully the answers will come my way someday. I've come to the conclusion that there probably isn't anyone in this world who can truly understand me, and that's fine. I'd rather be appreciated than understood. But sometimes that's even harder to come by.

                                                                                                             SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

The dust has settled on one hurdle, but I have no time to
rest even in the slightest. My Globalization midterm was today, and I actually
completed it. I say that because I’ve had experience in times past where I left
questions unfinished but this time I did it all…whether I did a good job or not
well…as of now I think I did OK…and I think I’ll just leave it at that. Worrying
about my grade on that is the least of my worries. I have a midterm paper due Tuesday
and a 10 page midterm paper due on Halloween. In between that I have to attend
a mandatory internship forum for NYU and some other NBC events that, while not
mandatory, would be in my best interest to attend. I’m working on a path that
could potentially lead me to being hired by NBC upon graduation…that’s all I can
say for now but I do ask that you all wish me luck…

I’m more exhausted than I usually am, but that’s to be
expected. I also, however, have been thinking about changes that are imminent
and changes that may never see the light of day. I’m working very hard to achieve
my goals, but all that won’t mean squat if I have no one around to care. Many a
friend has abandoned me and it disturbs me. Sometimes I feel my dedication to
my work alienates me from those who may not be as persistent as I am. That’s
something that may never change about me. Graduation and life in the real world
is imminent. My sub-par social skills and tendency to withdraw at times may
never change. It’s a lonely path, but one I have to walk regardless of what
happens in my life. Wishing I was someone else won’t help, so I’d best accept this
and make the most of whatever good comes my way.

And that’s all for now.

                                                                                                   SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

So another week has gone by, another SNL show. Overall, I
think this week’s show was a lot better than the season opener; the sketches
were funnier and even though I was pretty neutral about Jaime Pressley, Corrine
Bailey Rae was really great; I only got a small chance to meet her but she came
off to me as a very pleasant and kind person. Work-wise, it was much of the
same running around, but it’s amazing what difference a week makes. This time
around I wasn’t nearly as intimidated since I’m slowly getting used to the
building, where things are and most importantly the tasks that I’m assigned
every Saturday night. As the months go by I’m sure I’ll only get more used to
it. I haven’t screwed up yet so that’s a good sign. This coming week SNL’s on a
break so I don’t report for duty but the week after it’ll be back to business. The
host will be John C. Reilly (of Talladega Nights fare) and musical guests My Chemical
Romance. It’ll be an interesting week indeed.

My thoughts: the more I’m immersed into this industry, the
more comfortable I’m getting with it. Deep down I think a career in the
television/entertainment industries will suit me just fine. The hours may not
exactly be stable but pay certainly gets up there as one gains more experience.
My fellow interns and supervisor are all genuinely cool people; my only regret
is that I’m not as outgoing as they are…I admit I’m still a bit shy around them
all. Hopefully as I get more accustomed to everyone I’ll open up more.

 This upcoming week I have my first midterm and midterm paper
to tackle. The following week I have another paper and at the end of the month I
have my final midterm paper. November should be pretty calm for me, until the
later weeks as finals approach. So whatever I have to sacrifice I think I will,
just for the rest of this month. I’m hoping it pays off in the end for me. I still
haven’t gotten my time management fixed in terms of my classes, my job and SNL
but I’ll keep trying.

I’ve been thinking about my childhood a lot these past few
days. Ever so often I’ll reminisce and I’ll either lose myself in the memory or
writhe as I remember the bad times. They say when your future becomes more and
more uncertain you find yourself frantically looking through your past…as if
there’s some proof there that you actually lived. In my case I feel as if the
further I get away from those days, the more diluted the memories become. Maybe
I’m at a stage where I’m questioning everything concerning my life and state of
mind…or maybe I’m just sleep deprived. It doesn’t make a difference though. My head
feels the same regardless.

                                                                                                         SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

It’s October again. And as I say that I feel as if somehow
the life will drain out of me if I sit too long contemplating that thought. I
can’t believe it sometimes. And as usual, things in my life are spattered like
spilt black ink on the floor that no fountain pen dares touch because of its
sheer density. My head could topple over at any minute due to the weight upon
it. Midterms are upon me already; a week from now to be exact. The week after I
have a midterm paper due and the week of Halloween I have a 12 page paper due. What
worries me now is how I’m going to balance all that with the little time I have
with my job and internship. I guess I’ll figure it out somehow…

 This blog was supposed to be longer…but my eyes can no
longer stay open…so I’ll end it here for now before I write something weird.

                                                                                                       SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

Wow.  I really can't use any other word at this point in time to describe the events that took place behind the scenes of the legendary sketch comedy series.  It was something really...intense. For the first time I saw first hand what it essentially takes to run a television program. Granted this was a live show so the principles will obviously be different...but what a way to a wake up call. Without going into too many specific details (I am bound by a type of gag order by NBC to not talk about certain aspects of their day-to-day operations for obvious reasons) I'll try as best I can to express my thoughts and opinions.

So I reported for duty at 4 pm, and the atmosphere took a complete 180; people were hustling around and going about their duties at an almost hurricane-like pace. I was almost instantly handed my orders and went about my tasks. All the show's interns were present so I had a chance to meet them all once and for all. After some deliveries it was time for a crucial task; recording the dress rehearsal of the show for the benefit of the writers. An easy task, but one that had to be done quickly and efficiently. Once that was done, we had to head to another area to be ready to hand out Rundowns (program schedules) to the many different departments of the show so that everyone can get their queues ready in split-second timing. I was running all over the place like I was getting paid. Despite a little Xerox malfunction and some mildly annoyed producers and assistants, the show went on as scheduled and without a hitch (for those of you that watched you already know this).

Between going here and there I pretty much saw all the cast and two members of the Killers (Brandon Flowers and Mark Stoermer); Brandon said "hey", I said "hey"...the bassist gave me a nod of acknowledgment. They both seemed like nice guys.  The performances were good for what they were (I'm not a Killers fan so the appeal was lost on me, but it was cool that I got to work alongside them). Then after the show was over we had a last meeting with our supervisor and took cars home courtesy of NBC.

While the experience was a bit surreal and very eye-opening, at the same time I developed a newfound respect for the people who make this show happen. Everything has to be perfect from the get-go; one small faux pas as everything gets thrown off. Needless to say it can cause some people to get pissed and cost others their jobs and ...but I still have mine and that's the most important thing . Anyway...there were times where I began to question myself and my purpose...I began to doubt that I could make this a successful career because I am far from being the perfect, spotless worker that everyone at the network appears. I even began to question my relevance there. And maybe I'm still not sure. But I did come to the conclusion that I do not hate it there. And this is a grand opportunity that many wish they had. Also...it's the first show. So I guess after some analysis it turns out my fears aren't that warranted...but I will say though, this experience is only going to encourage me to work even harder at everything I do. No more laziness or wasting time...people in this industry have to know that they can depend on me.

Right now though, I'm feeling a bit low. I still don't have that full a grasp on everything in my life yet, a lot of it is still clouded gray. I feel isolated more often these days; it's as if my personality changes are making others abandon me. I dunno, right now I think I'll go nod off into unconsciousness before I get too specific, isolating me further.

Changes in life happen faster than light.

Sometimes I wish it would always stay dark.

                                                                                                                SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

Well the first day has come and gone, and overall, I must say it was what I expected to some degree.

I started my shift at noon. My supervisor hadn't come in as yet so I had a bit of waiting to endure. What struck my initially was the relative lack of activity that was going on at the SNL floor; I thought there'd be more busy activity but apparently everyone was going about their work in a laid-back, coadunate manner. That immediately made me feel more at ease. It's a very amiable atmosphere. When my supervisor came in he gave me some typical office tasks to perform: putting things away, filing, running interoffice memos and whatnot. Then I ran to get some material for the scripwriters, came back and relaxed with some of the other interns (who were pretty cool). At some point later in the day almost the entire staff came in to run through all the scripts that were written. Us interns got the opportunity to read along as well so that was cool. I saw Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig and of course, Kenan Thompson. Surprisingly, Maya Rudolph introduced herself to me    she seems extremely nice; I hope I get assigned to work under her sometimes as my internship goes along  Before I knew it the day was over and I left feeling quite comfortable with what I was exposed to.

Now for my thoughts. There is definitely a  hierarchy that exists within the office; you have a definite idea of who's the one in charge and who are the ones at the lower end of the spectrum. But I do not mean to portray this negatively; in this case everyone has a mutual respect for one another and it prevents people from outstepping their boundaries. I think that's essential in being able to run a television program, more so a successful one. And everyone was friendly; of course the cast didn't have time to chit chat, especially with a lowly intern but I did appreciate the smiles and hellos I received from those that did go the extra mile. So, I feel good. As time goes along and learn my way around the massive continent that is the Rockerfeller Center building I think I'll fit in. And with fellow interns with me (most of who I recognize from NYU anyway) it'll sure amount to some good times.

My only concern is that with so little time for myself now, will my grades suffer? Time will tell, but I am taking steps to ensure that does not happen. Well, that's all for now.

                                                                                                      SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

Tomorrow, I embark on a markedly poignant journey through my first real experience with the media industry. And talk about hitting the ground running; it's with Saturday Night Live no less. As I sit here all sorts of weird thoughts are running around in my head. So I figure I'll just get some of them out on here, before tomorrow gets here and I post about the day's events.

I remember back in high school, I was ready  to  follow the path leading towards becoming a psychologist. I thought it would be the right move for me. But then somewhere along the way I found out that perhaps I should pursue something else (the fact that psych majors have to take science classes pretty much did it for me; while I enjoy and appreciate science I SUCK at it).  So, in a frenzy I  tried to come up with something I could do. Then it became clear: I love television, music and the entertainment industry. So, Communications it is. And so it was. So far I have enjoyed my classes and I truly believe they have shaped the foundations of my perspective with regards to certain aspects of life. But I had no direct media experience. Sure I heard stories, but hearing and experiencing are two completely different things. Now tomorrow, who knows where this will lead? I was told at the interview that the possibilities are infinite; with my experience with music I could end up working in the music production department of NBC (provided they like me enough to hire me  upon graduation). Or, with my writing experience I could be hired as a writer.  Or production assistant. And so on. This is yet another threshold that threatens to completely 180 my life.  And we all know I'm not the biggest fan of change. However, if this change should happen to lead me down the path to true happiness at last, then I welcome it. I anticipate that I will enjoy working there  and have tons of laughs (it's SNL after all, and they did  inform me).  But how this will impact my future career is still unknown, as it should be I suppose.  But I don't think there's anything wrong with wishing for a little
future sight.

Also, I realize that I'm making a lot of sacrifices to make this happen. My social life is shot, for once. No more hanging out late on Fridays or Saturdays, and on Sunday all I have to look forward to is two days worth of homework. I will have even less time for anime and games (Philistines!!! ) and there's pretty much no room for any hope of getting into the dating scene (like that was anything to miss in the first place...I am teh l0z3r ). At any rate, this jam-packed schedule will place a huge strain on me, and most likely will cause some kind of depression in the long run, even though I'll end up liking the internship (I'm pessimistic in that respect) but it's nothing I haven't been through before.

To gain, something of equal value must be lost. Well, I'm not sure if this internship gain is worth the loss of human interaction with my close friends but it sure does follow that acclaimed principle from Full Metal Alchemist. Sometimes though, I feel like I lose more than I gain. I've just had that kind of life. It's bad enough that I'm already a bit of a reserved person but now I'll have to be able to better express myself if I want to survive as a media professional. More and more work on my part. Well, I know that I'm a nice guy and that I try my best to make everyone who knows/associates with me as happy as possible, so hopefully that will work in my favor. Hopefully.

And I think that's all for now. I'll be updating a lot more often now that I actually have material to work with. Wish me luck everyone, I could use something good to look forward to...

                                                                                                     SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

A sense of uneasiness finds me at the current moment...the weekend's events have proven to me just of vunerable I really am. Sometimes I don't know anything...I don't really have a firm grasp on what's happening now. While I'm happy I got the SNL internship, I'm a bit paranoid...since last Wednesday I haven't heard from them to find out when my next appointment is. Nervous is an understatement...I hope that they don't change their mind or something horrible like that. I dunno...

My mind's drawing a blank now...I'll post again when I have something of more substance to say.

                                                                                                   YOU'RE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT.

Saturday Night Live here I come!!!!!!

 EDIT

So,  ladies and gentlemen...allow me to elaborate on the aforementioned...today I went in to interview for an internship at none other than Saturday Night Live. I apparantly impressed them greatly because as soon as I got home and checked my email, there it was, an invitation to intern at SNL! And if today was any indication, I will be seriously starstruck during my time there....when I got to the receptionist's desk to announce my arrival, none other than Kenan Thompson (of All That, Kenan & Kel and currently SNL) was standing right there I said 'hey' and so did he...then after I said I had an appointment with the person I was going to be interviewed by, Kenan comes up to me and says "I'm sorry, he doesn't work here anymore". At that point I'm like "...what..." (he was obviously joking but I was so starstruck I didn't notice) then he goes "just kidding man" and shakes my hand. He's cool peoples Man.

So the interview went well; the guys really seemed to like me and now, here I am, NBC's newest groundhog. I'm going to work my ass off there and do whatever it takes to ensure the start of a great career after college. I start during the week of the 25th and the internship is unpaid but hey, I'll be working with famous people! 

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little intimidaed...the whole idea of me working on a show like SNL still seems surreal...but this could be a big break for me. And I am ever so grateful that I got this opportunity.

Let's see what the future will bring...

                                                                                                             SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...