When I'm lying in your bed
Play the motions through my head
You know that I'm thinking, I'm thinking...
And I have reasons to believe
That I'm not the only one you spend this time with
But I'll stay...

You say, you're weak,
you wont let me down
you lie through your teeth
you smile in your sleep

When we met you said we were the same
You know that we're different, we're different,
And all the times you promised me that everything would
work out in the end, you were gravely mistaken

You lie, you lie through your teeth
you wont let me down, you lie
I deserve better than this
I dream of steel.
Maroon and warm, your end.
You gasp for air. I'll see this through,
I'll see through you, your pale blue eyes.

When you're lying in your bed, your eulogy's been read
You know that it's fitting, you lie.

You smile, I deserve better than this

"Smile In Your Sleep" - Silverstein

I know, not in theme with the current air of Christmas, but my last SNL venture on Saturday was enlightening in many ways, and while this song merely hints at the events, I thought it to be significant.

So the first semester of my senior year has ended, as has my first semester at Saturday Night Live. I'll start with the former.

Senior year at college is DEFINITELY not senior year in high school, and man how I wished it were. These past few months were especially difficult, since I took it upon myself to finish up the core classes in my major. I made it out OK (when I get my grades I'll know for sure) but it sure cost me some hours of sleep and a lot of strained emotions. Juggling my job and SNL only made that worse. I learned more about myself, in terms of what I don't like about myself, and I realized that there's very little I can do to change anything. Somehow, someway though...despite all the times I spent wondering why I still carry on and if I'll ever make to the next day...I made it. At the moment all I have to do is edit some aspects of my short story for Creative Writing, submit all my new drafts into my professor's mailbox and I'm through. What a relief. Guess if I made it through life still hold some kind of purpose for me, of which I am still uncertain.

SNL...I learned a great deal about the television industry and the people who make it happen. I also learned how starkly I stand out sometimes in terms of how different I am from others. I wish I had more self-confidence and more belief in the notion that I'm as good as others (sometimes) tell me. Only time will tell how that plays out. I made some new friends at SNL, through which I was able to make some new experiences for myself. Now, with 2007 on the horizon and another semester there, I can only hope things work out for the best.

My college career is fast ending, and my true life soon beginning. At this point I'm as blank as a page; I almost feel as if I've somehow lost a part of myself. But as long as I still have breath, I will carry on. I may have to do it alone at times, but I will go.

                                                                                                             SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

And at long last, classes for the semester have come to an end, and final exams for me are over. It's been a long, arduous journey; I can honestly say that this semester has been the most draining due to my balancing act of classes, studying, writing papers, my job and my internship at Saturday Night Live. I honestly have no idea how I've made it through it all with my sanity intact...well...now that I think about it I think a few aspects of my brain devoted to sanity may have been lost permanently...but oh well...sanity is overrated.

The last day of classes was yesterday, and another week of SNL began (my last for the year 2006). This week host and musical guest falls to Justin Timberlake, who I met and had a small semi-conversation with (he just asked me a question with regards to when the script read through was going to happen and I answered him). Cool. The day went by pretty smoothly.

Today was a different story. I woke up at 10, then around 11:30 I sat in front of my computer for almost 10 hours writing my final paper for Mass Media and Globalization. It was a grueling task, that took a lot out of me but somehow I managed to complete it. Now all that's left for me to do is revise three poems and my short story for Creative Writing and it'll be all over for 2006. Once that's out of the way and I can clear my head for a bit, I'll devote a semi-long entry to my thoughts and feelings over the past four months. Right now I'm going to bed.

                                                                                                         SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

Well it's been quite a while since there's been an update around here...and it's not like I don't want to, it's just life keeps getting in the way. So let me bring everyone up to speed.

SNL's been going great. Even though sometimes I feel as if I don't really make as much of an impact there as I'd like to, slowly but surely I feel as if I'm becoming accepted. Most importantly, I feel comfortable there. A career in television will suit me just fine. This past week we had Matthew Fox host (originally from Party of Five, now stars in Lost as Dr. Jack Shepard) with Tenacious D as musical guest (I got to meet Jack Black, who came off to me as a funny, kooky guy). A great show overall, but we have still to surpass the season's best so far, which was hosted by Alec Baldwin.

School-wise, it's getting down to the wire, approaching the home stretch and the conclusion of my final Fall semester at NYU. It's gonna be tough but hopefully I'll make it through. Work is getting a bit dull...after almost three years I think that I've gotten everything I could out of this job. Mind you, I still love my boss, work and my coworkers but I think that I'm ready to get into the field of my chosen profession (note: famous last words....or maybe time will tell). Anime-wise, it's Trinity Blood, Bleach and Eureka 7, plus re-watching old favorites like Gundam, Outlaw Star and (soon) Wolf's Rain. I finished Xenosaga Episode III the other day, providing a solid conclusion to the much-too-premature end of the series.

I have yet to solidify a proper workout routine due to school obligations, but hopefully I can get that worked on. And my music's been slipping too...this break I really aim to get back to bass playing, singing and writing. My ear problem and sinus issues are better thanks to my doctor's prescribed medication (yay doc ) and though I still feel down every now and then, I think my overall mood has tapered off and I'm trying not to worry about certain things too much. Especially since we are once again in the Christmas season. This year I'm gonna make the most of it...I want to give a bit more this season if I can, to people that really deserve it (and some new friends). To celebrate, the xanga's theme shall reflect the holiday spirit, hope you like.

Everytime I find myself alone in thought I always perform a self-analysis. Sometimes I don't think I'm as smart as I should be, or talented or driven or *insert characteristic here*. The more confused I am about myself, the more incoherent I become and the more difficult it becomes to relate to others. This has reared its ugly head in recent interactions, and I don't like that aspect of myself. But rather than complain, I must say I'm slowly moving towards acceptance. No more trying to change who I am...whoever I meet is just gonna take me as I am. Maybe that's the way to happiness. I should also try to be more open with others, instead of immersing myself within my world of school, work and SNL. I'm not perfect and I will fail; my life hasn't even started yet. My earnest hope is that those around me will be there to support me.

And that's about it for now. This week I pull out all the stops to get my work done while balancing the job and getting Bill Hader his usual lunch and coffee.

See you guys next update and Season's Greetings from the crew of the Space Cowboy

                                                                                                      SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

In the midst of everything that's been going on with me lately, I somehow managed to find time to attend a concert. This year I decided to pass on Switchfoot (a vastly different attitude from a year ago...my how I've changed) and instead I decided to check out the newly reformed New York Dolls, a band from the 70s that pioneered punk rock and glam rock in the vein of KISS, Hanoi Rock, Blondie etc. The reason I found myself interested in them is because Steve Conte, who I'd been following since his collaborations with Yoko Kanno, became the new lead guitarist of the band. So I figured hey, I saw and met with Scott Matthew (another Yoko collaborator) why not Steve?

I got to the show pretty early, and tried to get as close to the stage as possible (a decision I have now come to regret due to the fact that my ears are STILL ringing from last night and it's hella annoying) and waited. The first four bands came on and they were OK for what they were. One of the highlights of this show was the go-go girls that came out on stage in between sets and danced to the background music. Quite entertaining, it certainly helped the time between the sets go by faster. They also danced during each band's final song of the night so we got a good helping of the scantily clad women. Then finally, the Dolls came on and they ROCKED the house. At one point I yelled out Steve's name; at first he looked as if he couldn't believe someone was actually calling out to him, but when he turned and saw me he pointed back and acknowleged me, even posing for a picture Tres awesome. Sang along to a bunch of the songs I knew...and they came out for an incredible five encores!!! It was insane. After the show I tried to hang out backstage to meet Steve but he took too long and it was late, not to mention very windy and wet so I decided to go home...there'll be other concerts and opportunities.

In the end, the show was much needed, it helped me to get my mind off things. The experience itself was also different from the types of shows I usually go to; many people were at least 40 or 50 years old, and energetic vibe that I was accustomed to at shows with younger audiences, well....it wasn't really there, even when the Dolls came on. But I enjoyed myself. My only regret is that I didn't use earplugs...my ears are ringing terribly as I write this...I'm a bit concerned that I may have damaged my hearing so that's not cool...I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope it goes away soon. And whatever concert I go to next, I will be wearing protective earplugs. No band is worth hearing loss.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, I hope it was spent well. This year's event was mellow as it should be, seeing as it's the first without my grandmother. But it was good. The Christmas season is here, and I plan to truly embrace it as best I can. I've got a lot of work to get through this long weekend, so let's hope I can get it done with little worry.

And lastly, I leave you with some pics from the show.

The go-go girls.

They sure knew how to entertain...

Steve Conte!

(From left to right) Syl Sylvain, David Johansen and Steve

Steve posing for my camera after he acknowleged me (the quality is teh suck...)

Steve and the lovely ladies

So it's safe to assume that, lately, I haven't been that alright. It's so strange; sometimes I don't even know how to feel. I know there are a lot of things bothering me. I know what some of them are. As for the rest, I can't really say with any kind of certainty. Someone once told me that a human being undergoes a personality change every fifteen years. I'm inclined to believe that on a higher degerr; maybe we undergo personality changes every day. For me it seems that way.

As the days move along and I realize that I'm getting closer to the end of my academic life (at least at this stage in my life) I find myself becoming more perplexed with the idea of what's going to happen to me. Pretty soon it'll happen all over again. A major life change. The job I currently hold at NYU ends effective upon my graduation, a job I've had since I was a college freshman. The friends I've made are going to continue upon thier own paths of life. Some will forget my name, many more will abandon me. Others might stick with me, and those will be the ones who've been my true friends all along. A full-time job means that I'll have more time to focus on other aspects of my life when I'm not working, specifically music, writing, reading and composing. I'm hoping to move out when I'm financially able; this apartment is getting much too small for me, and I think I'd much rather live in the city, near my future place of employment. But the thing is - I have all of these hopes, dreams and goals. And so many times before I don't my most passionate ones have ever come fully to pass. And I guess that's what I'm most afraid of. Not only that, I've been feeling as if my life doesn't really have much of a purpose. People around me just seem so far away sometimes, and I don't think they are the problem. I'm just much too different a person, and it's hard to find others who will truly accept me for the way I am. I'll be 22 in less that two months. I can't ever forget about my past, and I wish to God I could go back. The more questions I ask, the more audible my echo sounds when there's no answer. I don't want to feel like this. I wish someone'd come along who'd...not really give me the answers I'm looking for, but just be there and understand. I don't know.

SNL was great this week, many of us interns agreed that it was the funniest show yet this season. Cameo appearances were made by Martin Short, Steve Martin and none other than Sir Paul McCartney. It was a great night. I was dead tired by the time I got home, but other than that I think I'm ok at this point in time. I'm trying to seriously fit gym time back into my life, so that it could help me attain a higher sense of self-worth (something I need in a big way). When it all comes down to it, I'm just a conflict of emotions and irrational thought. The sensation I feel resembles being submerged underwater, staying there in suspended animation. I'm slowly getting tired of this almost-happiness, mostly-sadness life of mine. It's funny that those around me don't know. And they most likely will never know.

                                                                                                                   SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

The Light Before We Land
Artist: The Delgados


In cases such as these I'd like a hand
Don't wake me up without a master plan
With sight and sound becoming fragile
Don't you understand?
When things that once were beautiful
Are bland...

And when I feel like I can feel once again
Let me stay awhile
Soak it in awhile
If we can hold on we can fix what is wrong
Buy a little time
For this head of me
Haven for us

In truth there is no better place to be
Than falling out of darkness still to see

Without a premonition
Could you tell me where we stand?
I'd hate to lose this light
Before we land

And when I feel like I can feel once again
Let me stay awhile
Soak it in awhile
If we can hold on we can fix what is wrong
Buy a little time
For this head of mine
Haven for us

Before we let euphoria
Convince us we are free
Remind us how we used to feel
Before when life was real

And when I feel like I can feel once again
Let me stay awhile
Soak it in awhile
If we can hold on we can fix what is wrong
Buy a little time
For this head of mine
Haven for us

**************************************

A song to stand alone to. 

In all seriousness, I shouldn't be blogging now. I have way too much
work to do. I probably should stop blogging period, seeing as my
readership has all but vanished from the face of cyberspace  . Ah well.

So another SNL week has come and gone very well; a few sketches had me
in stitches; a pity that by the time the live show aired some were cut
or altered. I won't say which ones, but I will say that SNL has no
deficit in hilarious sketch material that they can potentially use in
future shows. Hugh Laurie was a pleasure to be around; he's very
friendly. I never watched House before, but once I get the chance I
think I might. He left that good an impression. It was a pleasure
meeting him. I didn't meet Beck, but I did pass by the band during my
usual duties during the live show. He's really short, but seems like a
pleasant human being. After the show that night, me and some of the
other interns grabbed some drinks at a bar nearby.  Daylight
Savings Time ended so I caught up on my sleep

As for the present moment, I have an 8-15 page short story to write,
and a 10 page research paper (both due next week) to keep me quite
occupied during this no-SNL week. After that, I should have a bit of a
reprieve before finals hit. I figured out my classes for my next and
final semester at NYU (a very jarring realization) so that's done. I'll
save my feelings about my impending graduation for a later entry.

Oh yeah, and Happy Halloween. I will be spending it as a broke, busy, bleeding heart college senior

Right now, I'm just trying to take care of my state of well-being.
Things are a bit weird in a lot of ways, but they haven't gotten me
seriously depressed yet. I'm being motivated to get through this
semester by the promise of playing Final Fantasy XII this Christmas
(which is released today, incidentally). I hope that my future days are
more colorful than my present days. I keep wishing for the past too
much. I think I'll try wishing for a future that will make my past less
pressing on my present.

                                                                                                     
SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

OK. Crazy story time.

I was talking to someone the other day about rock music from different cultures and languages. I told him that I knew that my homeland (Trinidad) had developed an underground rock scene during the years I left. Now, on a whim I decided to check out some of the bands and I thought "Nah, I probably won't know anyone if I found such a band".

Famous. Last. Words.

I stumbled upon a Trinidadian rock band called "Tripped and Falling". They have achieved moderate success in my homeland and are now in England soon to become a part of that area's Taste of Chaos tour. But imagine my shock when I discovered that the band's lead guitarist was my neighbor and childhood friend right until the year I left Trinidad!

This is NOT a case of mistaken identity. I remembered his name and face, and there he was on the site...guitarist in a Trinidadian punk rock band that was actually getting somewhere. They will be sharing a stage soon with the likes of Taking Back Sunday, Senses Fail and Saosin. My God. His name's Barry and we were good friends until he moved away a few months before I myself left for America. We'd ride bikes together during the weekend...every now and then his younger brother Nick would join us. We'd play his Super NES for hours...tag...football (soccer)...those were the days. Helluva reunion. The passage of time is truly remarkable. It's funny how we both became musicians. I plan to add them to myspace and try to get a message to him. I wonder if he even remembers me...it's been almost a decade.

Life. It gets more and more complex every day. This was a pleasant surprise. The band's myspace can be found here:

http://www.myspace.com/trippedandfalling

And you know what? They sound pretty great! Even though they're all Trinidadians like me, they have the same sound to all the American punk rockers. I knew the US had started to influence the country on a stronger level than the UK (who we were once a colony of) but my goodness...what a difference the years make.

                                                                                                          SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

Well, this past week marked my return to work at Saturday
Night Live, and I am beyond exhausted. Not because the work I do there was that
stressful, but because of this big research paper I have to write that's due in
two weeks. Progress on it is equal to zilch; I simply haven't had a decent
opportunity to settle down and get started. Every time I think I've gotten one
hurdle out of the way, here comes another one just as big to take its place. I
honestly can't remember the last time I actually went "out"...must
have been that concert I went to a couple weeks ago...well whatever. Right now
I'm trying to build up my concentration so that I can be driven to work hard
this week.

Saturday's show was cool, John C. Reilly hosted with musical guests My Chemical
Romance. We had a surprise visitor in the form of none other that Will Ferrel
himself, who I kinda bumped into during my errand runs that night...I was
passing through a narrow hallway when I noticed him coming towards me. I
stepped back so that he'd pass, but in the process he stepped on my foot. He
gave a quick apology which I accepted, made a funny comment regarding the
corridor's narrowness and went on his way. Short and sweet. I also saw some of
the guys from My Chemical Romance, and of course Mr. Reilly himself. The
sketches were great on air, but some of the sketches that didn't make it were
just as funny, if not more so. But oh well, I'm just an intern...Lorne Michaels
has the last word on what goes on and what doesn't.

I'm still feeling as if I don't quite measure up to everyone else there; my
shyness prevails. I never thought of myself to be socially awkward but for some
reason or another I just can't quite express myself coherently there...I'm
probably still very intimidated by everyone. One of these nights I'll summon
the confidence though. I just wish I didn't have so much work to do in one day
(Sunday) so that I'd be able to attend the SNL after-after party. I wanted to
go this week but I didn't feel right. I dunno...at the end of the day I just
wish I wasn't so bloody awkward around everyone. Am I being too self-conscious?
Or is my perception of myself drastically different from how others perceive
me? This is a character flaw I need to work on for sure. Only time will tell
whether it's something I have the power to change or not.

This week I have to attend a forum and give a report about my internship thus
far...other than that there isn't much else to do outside of all the work. I
get paid on Thursday . I hope to start going back to the gym. And
other than that...it's the same old life. I need a vacation.

                                                                                                                SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...