Well it's certainly been an interesting last couple of days. And when I say interesting, I mean the kind of interesting where nothing really happens but the experiences lead to profound discoveries about the self and one's surroundings.

I guess I'll start with the fact that spring break was last week, though it was anything but. I had to work, and be at SNL. So I made some money at my job, did my usual at 30 Rock and when I was doing either I was at home writing papers, reading assignments and playing my video games. At work, change was apparent; my boss' last day was Friday, so the night before we all went out for drinks and some light appetizers at a nearby restaurant. It was great; we spent a lot of time talking and reminiscing about the old days. It was then I realized just how far I'd come in this job. It may not have been anything special, but I did work hard (most times) and we've had a lot of great experiences. My boss will be moving to warmer climes, down to Florida in a few months. Where that leaves me is with a pseudo-supervisor; she's give us orders from home but nothing extensive. Just enough for me to ride out this last month with the job.

At SNL, things were cool as usual. Our host was Julia Louis-Dreyfus of Seinfeld fame and now starring in her own sitcom on CBS. What was funny this week is that comedian Chris Rock made a cameo appearance and the running gag around the office was that I bear a strong resemblance to him. I'd been getting that for years from almost everyone I know (some strangers too), and only recently came to terms with the fact that I do resemble him somewhat. I got to see him up close actually; I had to deliver something to a cast member he happened to be talking to before the live show so I finally got to see what I guess everyone else saw. And I must say it's uncanny...we're about the same height and we definitely have similar facial features. What was even more interesting is when the show was over and I was leaving 30 Rock, some fans were outside waiting to catch a glimpse of the show's cast and stars...as I was walking to my cab about three of four people whisper under there breaths "Dude there's Chris Rock right there". Had I been a dishonest person I'd have tried to see if I could have gotten away with it, but I just kept to my business and walked on. After all, I'm Marc, not Chris Rock.

Now it's back to school and boy is it going to suck. I have assignments due every week until the end of classes. Fun. But then I'll graduate, and therein lies another world of stress. All I can do is hope for the best.

Game/Anime-wise: I beat Final Fantasy 3, am close to beating FF XII, and Blood+ on Adult Swim is awesome. I'll dive into God of War II as soon as I'm not buried in work (which I guess is upon graduation).

That sucks

Oh well. Here I keep going.

                                                                                                                     SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

After waiting for what seems like an eternity, Spring Break is here. It's a bittersweet one though; this will be my final official spring break since this time next year I won't be in school. And looking at my responsibilities for the week, it won't be much of a break unfortunately. Here's the breakdown:

Moday: Doctor's appointment
Tuesday: Work
Wednesday: SNL and Piano lessons
Thursday: Work
Friday: SNL
Saturday: SNL
Sunday: TBA

So much for that. I REALLY wanted Tuesday off from work but I couldn't get it On top of all that, I have a paper due the Tuesday after the break and even more papers after that; all the way until the last day of classes (April 30th). *Sigh*

Other than the above, my health could be better...I have to see the doctor tomorrow. Me and my paranoid self thinks that it could be something serious but I'm hoping and praying it isn't. I'll have my fingers crossed.

Also, I've been taking a closer look at my life lately and there's definitely things I need to be doing in order to make myself feel better. For starters, I'm pledging to eat healthier, get rest and exercise. When I have free time, I want to read more, write more poems and study music. I've been in a rut for way too long and I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. It'll be hard, but I have to try. If I don't start now, life post-college will assuredly get harder. It's going to take a lot of will power, but I hope I can endure.

I'll update more as I see more change in my life. I'm still here; I may be down and my outlook may be bleak at times, but there's hope inside.

                                                                                                          SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

*DEEP SIGH*

Man when updating this thing begins to feel like work I know I'm in trouble

So the past few days have been monotone...nothing worth mentioning, unless you want to hear about my utter lack of self-confidence and stress in terms of midterms, work and trying to secure a job before I graduate. Those things are my primary concerns these days. At the very least I'm motivated to get everything done so that I can spend time playing with my Wii and Final Fantasy XII. While that's going on, I'm just counting down the days until graudation and I am FREE of studying, papers and exams for the REST OF MY LIFE (at this point at any rate; I haven't ruled out grad school but for now, it's not an option).

Well, in terms of things I'm lookking forward to, there are a few things. God of War 2 drops in about two weeks, just in time for Spring Break. Naruto and Bleach have returned to their awesome manga storylines (bye bye filler) so that's great. One of my friends got me a subscription to Newtype magazine for a year so I can revel in my otaku-ness for the next 12 months . Piano lessons are going well, I like my teacher a lot; she's quite down to earth and easy to relate to. SNL going's strong, but I sure will miss it there when it's over in May...

That's about it for now. These days I haven't been giving myself much time for socialization due to my busy schedule and I wish it weren't so...it gets dreadfully lonely sometimes. But I guess it's something I'm going to have to put up with for a little while longer. Things around me these days always seem to be in a darker hue...I just hope I myself don't get lost within the darkness.

"Five clicks until the end...."

                                                                                                           SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

Is It Real?
Lyrics by Tim Jensen
Music by Yoko Kanno

Figurines that fall like leaves then disappear, keep calling
Is it real? Is it real?
Dark machines that wheeze and breathe then mock the air, appalling
What is real? What is real?

This world can really be too much

I can't take another day

I guess that I've just had enough

My mind's slipping far away

I'm falling in and out of touch

Could someone please explain?

Set my mind for open sky, but couldn't fly, so sadly
What am I? What am I?
Sullen eyes shed teardrop lies then criticize, now laughing
What is real? What is real?

It's really all become too much

I'm not sure what I should feel

I guess I've finally had enough

I don't know if this is real

I'm crashing in and out of touch

Can anyone explain?

Valentine's Day has, for quite a number of years, never been of much
significance to me. No one in my immediate family gives it too much
thought despite the chocolate treats and candy my mom buys for us. Plus
there's no significant other around to provide an excuse to celebrate
it. So it's always been an ordinary day, but this Valentine's sucks a
little bit more due to some bad news I received in the mail yesterday;
NBC has declined to offer me a position as a Page. Even though I was
expecting that to happen, I kept a small glimmer of hope since everyone
at SNL told me not to worry and that anything is possible. Well,
there's no more hoping now; it's official. So I'm back to square
one:  three months away from graduating college and not one damn
clue as to where I'll be headed thereafter. I think what's bothering me
most is that I feel as if I let everyone down; my parents, friends and
collegeaues at SNL. It's going to really suck when I see them next week
and tell them the bad news. I haven't felt this lousy in some time. So
this Valentine's Day ain't a pretty one. Even though it snowed, it did
nothing to make me feel better; all I could see was the slush and dirt.

I took my senior photos today, which was the only thing worth
mentioning about today. Other than that I just went about my buisness
with more numbness than usual, and a pain in the pit of my gut. Early
on in the year I remember writing about my prediction that this year I
was going to go through some real shit. Glad to see I was right, and I
know for a fact that this is only the beginning. It's going to take a
lot of effort on my part to avoid becoming depressed about it all, and
I can't even afford to be down because I need to stay on top of my
classes so I can graduate. I don't know what's going to happen. But all
I can do is hope that all isn't lost for me yet.

I still can't help feeling like this song though.


Fix You

Artist: Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

                                                                                           
YOU'RE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT.

You know that feeling you get when you look at a puddle of water that's muddy and stagnant, with that film of dirt on the top that prevents you from seeing the bottom? Almost like you don't know anything anymore? Well, that's what the past few days have been like for me. It's a sad state of affairs, exacerbated by the realization that less than three months left of college and not one f-ing idea where I'm going to end up afterwards. After my disappointing performance at the Page Program I haven't had the confidence to get up and search for another interview. Well, not quite. I've been looking all around for entry level positions in television but all I keep finding are "Administrative Assistant" jobs, which I'm not too fond of because that's kind of what my current job is like now. I don't know. It's looking pretty bleak.

And speaking of my current job, I got some shocking news the other day; my boss has submitted her letter of resignation, with her last day being March 15th (Ides of March no less). My future at this job is now gray, because whoever they replace her with may not even need assistants or will probably run things in a way that I won't be happy with. Granted that I only have three months left at this job, but I'd much rather leave it without a sour taste in my mouth. I guess in the worst case scenario I'll quit and devote my new free time to more studying, practicing music and looking for fulltime employment. But that's only in a worst case scenario; I still need to pay bills so I'll need some kind of paycheck.

The winds of change are in motion and are slowing making their way towards a complete upheaval of my life. These days it seems that much harder to get out of bed. I really don't know why I do anymore. If only there was some connection I had that could get me a job at NBC or ABC or the CW...I don't really care. I need to have some peace of mind already.

*Deep sigh*

                                                                                                            SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

So I had my interview with the NBC Page Program today. To be honest, I'm not feeling all that great about it. I did everything right at first; got up early, wore a nice suit, arrived on time and presented myself in a positive and enthusiastic manner. The woman I was interviewing was named Mary; she seemed nice upon introduction but boy did she turn no-nonsene in the interview! She threw a lot of questions at me that I tended to not answer the way she wanted, which led her to keep repeating her initial question so that I understood what she meant...she asked me a question about the head of NBC Entertainment (who I didn't know) and then I began to fall apart. I managed to save face by being as honest as possible but I have this feeling that I won't be hearing from her again for a second interview Everyone at SNL told me not to worry though, and that my chances probably weren't as bad as I thought. I was grateful for their words because they helped me to not think about my awful performance and concentrate on my other responsibilities....but at the end of the day, I have to seriously start networking and job hunting if I want to have any chance of being employed after graduation.

Such is life I guess. Maybe there's some other purpose for me, I don't know. I feel lousy, but not too much. I guess it's just the disappointment with myself that's bugging me. I still have hope that things will work out. But there's still an air of doom hovering around me. I just hope I don't get enveloped.

                                                                                                          SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...

I think there comes a point in everyone's lives where they suddenly
realize that life is something a little bit more than simple and
superficial pleasures that prematurely end almost consistently. Almost
surreptitiously, life hits us square in the face and yells "Wake the
hell up!". That's a bit how I've been feeling lately.

When I went to the doctor this past week they diagnosed my with
bronchitis. Not cool of course, so I had to call in sick a few days, to
the detriment of certain crucial responsibilities I had to take care of
at work. But all's not so bad though; I managed to switch out of a
terrible ILA class into one that's not only more manageable but a
helluva lot more interesting. We'll see how the semester turns out.
Other than that I've just been trying to get my strength and health
back up; it's hard to be sick when there's so much for me to do.

What's been on my mind lately is (unsurprisingly) my life post-college.
This Friday the 2nd I have my interview with NBC for the position of an
NBC Page. I'm intimidated and a bit unconfident that this will work out
but I'm going to go through with it anyway. Other than that, I'm pretty
much blind in terms of seeing where else I can find job opportunities.
The ones I find aren't entry level and require at least 3 years of
experience in the field. Disconcerting indeed. The jury's still out on whether or not this situation will be resolved quickly.

I've also been thinking about how best to manage my time. Balancing
classes and my job in the past was fine since those were my main
concerns, but now I have SNL and job hunting responsibilities and oh
yeah, graduation. Plus I want to maintain my friendships on a
respectable level. It's all a bit too much. I never realized how lonely
it can be trying to achieve everything I need to do. I understand that
we all have our goals to attain, but I only wish that we could all be a
bit more mindful of each other, because some of us do not have as much
support as others to get through it all.

Oh well. That's it for now. I've been listening to more jazz lately
(mostly Miles and Coltrane) and it's been giving some peace of mind. I
wish it would help me not to think (worry) so much.

Adieu.

                   
                   
                   
                   
                  SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...
                             

So for the past few days I've been sick as a dog. Apparantly I caught a flu somewhere. It was so bad that I ended up leaving class early on Wednesday and staying home for pretty much the rest of the week. No work, no SNL, nothing. Just pain, nausea, coughing, a sore throat and headaches. It couldn't have happened at a worse time; my interview for NBC is Tuesday. I'm not as bad as I was say, two days ago but I still feel sick. What's worse, I have homework to do, errands to run...sometimes I feel as if I must have done something terrible in order to deserve this kind of punishment.

My first week back at classes was alright in spite of my illness. My ILA class will be the bane of my final semester at NYU, my Poetry class could be more exciting and my Interviewing Strategies class proves to be motivating and enjoyable.

My mind right now is like static electricity. It sparks quickly, it hurts, and then returns to nothingness. I am going to need so much help to make it to graduation. Please let me be ok.

It's 12:43 am, early Tuesday morning, January 16th. In a few minutes I'll be heading to bed, to rise in a few hours to begin my final semester at NYU. At the moment, I feel like I'm standing in front of a large intimidating gateway, both doors open, revealing to me a swirling mass of future events I know are about to come to pass. Behind me, a phantom in the shape of a Marc long past. He's shaking his head, not in dismay, but in pity, for he knows that my past can never return and provide the same joy it once did. Me, I'm looking at what's ahead and I feel sick to my stomach. A part of me wants nothing to do with what's out there beyond the gate. Another part is pleading to go on. Yet another is causing me to stand perfectly still, while removing all thoughts and emotions.

I'm not sure if I conveyed my feelings correctly, but seeing as most of this prose is going to reach no more than two people, I don't deem it necessary to adjust. Quite frankly, I'm not sure of my future looks bright or dismal. Right about now I'm leaning towards the latter, mainly because of a few revelations that I've recently come upon in my life. I think 'scared' is appropriate as well. In times past I'd always managed to go the distance and get over all the hardships but as this semester comes closer to commencing I get more and more worried. Part of my nature I guess. I know that I'll be depending on the things that provide me with happiness...but, I wonder if that will be enough. Pretty soon it's going to be time for me to really start living, though my definition of living isn't what's commonly accepted.

I was thankful that yesterday I was able to revel with my friends so that I could forget all this crap. It was great; we went ice-skating at Bryant Park and had dinner at BBQs. I couldn't have asked for a better night.

I already forsee a lot of stress for one class...let's hope the rest aren't going to follow suit. At the end of the week I'll know where I stand. Pray for me everyone, I could use all the help I can get.
 
                                                                                            YOU'RE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT.