On this day, 26 years ago, I made my debut into this world. Right now, I’m reminded of these lyrics -

“I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger” – The Faces, “Ooh La La“

When I was younger, my world view was narrow, my hopes and dreams a lot brighter and a tad naive, and my emotions had a tendency to overshadow rational thought at times. Now, as an adult, I look back on all the previous birthdays I’ve had over the years and I can old shake my head. Then, I notice a tiny smile crease my lips. I look back, and I laugh at the really great ones but then I look back on the darker birthdays I’ve had and…while it does bring back some painful memories, I end up realizing that as bad as I felt back then, it’s over now. And and bad as some things are for me now, I’m still around. And I think that’s why that smile appears.

I notice that I have a tendency to dwell on the negative, the dark and the desolate, about everything in my life. It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when there’s a freight train coming your way. But, I know now that even in my darkest hour, I have people out there who will have my back, even though they may not be always readily available. It’s something I have to really keep at the forefront of my mind if I’m to ever achieve the kind of life I really want to live. Accepting my faults and weaknesses is something I don’t do very well. Self-loathing is pretty prevalent too. But today, a little of that is lost as I indulge in all of the well-wishes from family and friends. I am especially grateful for them all. As much as I may disagree with my family, I’m happy they’re still around. I’m also very, very happy for a close-knit group of friends that, for reasons I’ll never understand, like me for me and accept me in spite of everything. I’m grateful to be working, even though it’s not what I really want to be. Things could be worse. They can always be worse.

And that’s all. For this birthday, it will be a quiet one spent at home, taking calls and visits from family members, while playing my unexpected birthday gift – Super Mario All Stars 25th Anniversary Edition for the Wii! I couldn’t find that game anywhere, but somehow my parents did, so many many thanks to them. Celebration with friends will happen at some point down the road, and I’ll look forward to that.

So here I am, still around. A year older, and let’s hope for my sake, wiser.

If only I knew what I know now, way back when.

                                                                                                                                             SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY…