March 11, 2008

  • Thoughtscape

    Recently the family celebrated the 50th birthday of one of my many aunts with a surprise party at a church in Queens. The event was great; my aunt was completely taken aback; she suspected nary a thing. Suffice to say there was food, family and good times to be had all around. While catching up with family members I had lost touch with for a while I began realizing just how much time has passed by, and how quickly everyone's lives are changing. It took me a few days to process everything coherently in my mind, and while I'm sure I've not quite grasped the situation fully, it did inspire me to write something.

    These days I'm still going out on interviews, waiting to hear back from companies. My most recent one went very well (at least to me) and I'm hoping that they offer me a position. While waiting I seem to be doing all I can to not think about my situation too much...gaming, watching anime, (tanget: Super Smash Bros. Brawl is out and I can't wait 'till I get my hand on is ::end tangent::), taking driving lessons etc. while going around with this feeling that there is not much else I can do BUT wait. I've definitely noticed a lapse in my self-confidence as a result and I'm not so sure if that's immediately rectifiable. Every now and then I wonder what my life would have been like had I made different choices along the way; majored in something different, gone to a different university, heck, what if I'd never come to the States period. There's an old saying that one is never 'lost' because one is always where one is supposed to be but sometimes I wonder. Making mistakes on a grand scale is nothing new to the human species, much less to each individual person. I guess it's a sense of helplessness I feel these days, as if I've reached the limit of my capabilities in terms of trying to enter that next big chapter in my life. Or maybe it's anxiety. I figured if I tried to write something I'd be able to figure it out, but it seems I'm just as confused as when I began. Oh well.

    "Good things come to those who wait", I remind myself. This period of stagnation is almost too much to bear but I still have some sliver of hope. What do I hope to accomplish? Well a few things, really. This is how it should go, ideally: land a great full-time job. Resume gym training. Buy more books so I can read more. Buy all those games I want that I can't get at the moment. Resume playing music but with an emphasis on playing with others. That's about it. I truly feel that I can get all of this done, but only once I start working. I know it sounds weird as the latter goals seem achievable regardless of my job status but you'd understand if you knew how broke I was. I guess once I can get my days to be more predictable I can manage things better. I think that's why I was able to do pretty well in college; I'm decent at managing time. But that can't happen as long as I'm stuck in this rut of applying for jobs, going on interviews and not hearing back from people.

    There, it's finally out of my system (*phew*). I don't write as much as I used to because I had nothing to write about; I hope that changes soon. Until my next 'thoughtscape' readers.

                                                                                                                  SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY...